Bring Back My Happiness
by PsychicDreams
Summary: Jadeite wonders if, had he been given a chance to be reborn as a human and not a stone, whether he would choose to love Mamoru.


Hey, peoples!

This is a one-shot featuring Jadeite. Just his thoughts on Endymion, his life, and the future. Just to let you know, this is based on the manga plot about what happened to the Shitennou.

Bring Back My Happiness

By

PsychicDreams

I can stare at the walls of Mamoru's room however long I want and I still feel the same, a jumble of emotions that I can't begin to understand. Why did Fate choose this life for me, anyway?

I long to be reborn, find a new life. 

But, then, I wonder. If I was reborn, with no memories of Endymion, of the Dark Kingdom, would I still care for my liege as much now? I love the man, though not in the way of Serenity for him. I may not be an expert on love, like Senshi Venus, but I do know that there is more than one kind of love. I can't tell what kind, but I do love Endymion. I do love Mamoru, dear man that he is. 

If a new chance at life given to me, and I met Mamoru with no memories of the past, would I want to become friends and love him as I do now? Would I dismiss him as just another person and move on, becoming someone entirely different? How could I ever decide who I should be friends with and love?

Who should I love but Mamoru? His smile, the way he can look at me when he calls us to council him, the simple but affectionate eyes that tell me he has let us in to his heart that he only has let the princess, Usagi, in. They all conspire to make me believe that if I was given a new chance at life that I would never throw away the chance to love Mamoru without fear of battles or being turned against him.

Gods above, help me, I constantly think as he lean against the wall, my transparent form giving nearly no substance to my soul. Mamoru is not here, not right now. He is off at his classes in school. I do not think he knows that he does not have to call us for us to appear.

The man is incredible, even his power is unequaled except by that of the Ginzuishou. Yet he is so vulnerable when I see him. I cannot think of him any other way except that. I have never seen him be strong, have control, because I am stuck in a stone, unable to act at all. I always see him when he is at his most exposed.

Though I am glad of this most days, as it shows me that he loves us to show us who he truly is, I sometimes wish to see him as he is in normal life, when he is not worried over the battles coming toward him. I want to see him confident, smiling at the other girls who want to court him. I want to see him wrap his arm around the only love he'll ever have and tell them no. I want…I want to be with him.

I want to be by his side and hold him when he cries. I want to keep him with me when he breaks down, those days and emotions he will not even show to the Princess, but will show us. I can see how the days that we watch the Prince wear down even our leader, Kunzite. He tries not to let it, but I know he longs and that his longing for Mamoru is wasting him away.

We may not need to eat or support ourselves as the living do, our souls are our substance. I try not to notice my friends desperately trying to find a way out of our stones and into the real world again.

I long to love Mamoru, have him near me again. But the thought of a reborn life haunts me still. Would I care and love Mamoru as I do now if I had a future of my own choosing ahead of me? My heart tells me that yes, I would always love him, but my mind is unsure, though I know that I want to believe my heart. 

Would my dear Mamoru no longer confide in me, know me and trust me enough, if I was reborn and his friend if we both knew none of things that we know now about the past? I…even in a reborn life, I would want that trust, need that trust, from him.

What could I offer him then? What can I offer him now, being not truly dead or truly alive?

Light shines behind me as my three companions' transparent forms appear. Nephrite, as usual, goes to the window to stare up at the sky. I know he misses the stars, longs to feel them near him with the same intense longing I know he feels for Mamoru. Zoisite, the youngest of us, is fidgeting. I know his thoughts as if I can read his mind: When will Mamoru return to us? I worry about his safety. What is he doing now? Will he tire of us, grow hatred for us over what we have done?

My eyes linger on Kunzite, who is watching me. I know he wants to be real, to be able to touch things again, to touch Mamoru. There is very little consol, knowing that you are here but unable to help, should help be needed. 

Could I possibly move away from Mamoru's love, was I reborn again? I love him, with all my heart, but I did not choose this way of life. Or did I? Did I unconsciously choose to love a man that people would say, at first glance of him, could not return love, only coldness?

Did I choose to be a Shitennou? Did I choose to guard the Prince because I loved him, or because I was simply chosen? Or was it that I was chosen and that I came to love him?

I don't really know the answer.

"Something on your mind, Jadeite?" whispers Kunzite in my ear, having moved silently beside me.

I look at him, with eyes full of questions. I can see him wearing thin, though perhaps not literally. His eyes speak of weariness and I know that the sleep those stones promise us is beckoning to him louder than the rest. 

But we have all chosen to forgo eternal, restful peace for a man who I am unsure of my emotions to. 

"Why do you love Mamoru, Kunzite?" I ask him, almost dying to know this. Zoisite and Nephrite turn to us, surprised at my question.

He stares at me, speculatively. He sighs though, and looks at the wall, as if he cannot quite put into words, but knowing how much I want, need, to know this.

"I…He is the best of us, and the Prince, true. But there is something more to him, so deep. How he can be so strong and…old and wise with others, but be such a vulnerable…_child to us. I…want to protect him, love him, like…He holds my loyalty and my heart, but because of himself, willingly letting us reach him through his barriers. He is kind, loving, and gentle. I…do not know how to answer your question, Jadeite, because it is something you feel inside."_

I turn to the other two. "And you, Zoisite? Why do you love Mamoru?"

"He is someone I can be myself with, who is never demanding any more of me than I can provide," he responds hesitantly. "He…People say that the Princess, Usagi, loves everyone unconditionally, even those she has never met. But people seldom see that is true of Mamoru, at least in his own way. He is compassionate, understanding. He is…special and there is no one in the world that is like him."

Nephrite stares at me as I turn to him. He speaks before I even ask him, as if he knew I was going to ask him one day. He doesn't hesitate in speaking, as if he has asked this question of himself and finally found a way to put it into words.

"Mamoru commands loyalty simply by the fact that he _doesn't _command it, or order it. He is just like us, but better than us. He is more complex than even the Princess thinks or sees. There are people that see one side of him and another that see a completely opposite side. Such as the Senshi see a strong man, who is capable and calm, determined and eternally hopeful and knowing. We see the man that is weak, unsure of his leadership abilities. He is a many-faceted stone that glimmers in the light. It is the fact that he loves us and who he is that makes me love him."

Perhaps Nephrite has the right of it, at that. But I still wonder. These qualities that they have said, is it qualities we love or the person? But by looking into their eyes, I know it is Mamoru who they love and not the qualities. It is just that there is no other way to say why we love him.

"Would we love Mamoru if we were reborn with no memory of our time before?" I wonder aloud.

"I would, absolutely," Zoisite says, with no considering of the matter. He stares at me, as if he cannot believe I would even question it.

Nephrite answers more slowly, as if he knew that the question had not meant to be spoken aloud. "Yes. There is a part of me missing when he is not around and I would know that I will always love that man, even though he can sometimes be obtuse and stubborn." He smiles at the thought of the man, that even with flaws, we love so much.

One look into Kunzite's eyes and I have my answer. He will always love Mamoru. The devotion and depth of his feelings hurts me and shames me even as I question it myself. If there was a battle and we all died, Kunzite would be the last to go and the first to take a strike against Mamoru.

"Would you not?" questions Nephrite.

But his voice is distant to my ears. Was my happiness, my love for Mamoru, only given a chance in the Silver Millennium? How could I have thrown it all away? I am not happy, right now, not knowing that I am in limbo, trapped in a little stone that is always next to Mamoru's heart.

I know that he loves us; I know that he holds us in high esteem, perhaps even higher than he holds himself. But I am not happy, not entirely, knowing this. My happiness is not complete unless I can hold him, forever.

Had I a body, would that I could give myself form right now! I would stand all day in the center of the room, right before the door so that when Mamoru returns, he could see me the second he entered. I would run to him, hugging him and never letting go. I know and understand the love that Usagi feels for him though perhaps my love is not exactly the same thing.

I can understand her love for him. I know that she loves him with her entire heart, but also that her body loves his and wishes to unite with him. But I know my liege, and I know he would never disgrace her like that until they are married, nor do I think she wishes that until she is married either.

I can understand her. Had I been a female, I would feel the same as her, though still perhaps the love in my heart would not change from as it is now. Mamoru is very good-looking and sexy, even the Shitennou must admit this. I was struck the very first time I saw him, in the Silver Millennium. I could not believe that he was as beautiful as he was. But then, I could not imagine that I would love him as I do now.

I would die for him, I know, and even should I be in a reborn life, I would still die for him. I know that if I met him in a reborn life, I would do everything in my power to become his friend, to be able to feel even a fraction of the love I feel in my heart; the love that threatens to overwhelm me at times.

"Would you not?" Nephrite repeats to me.

"I would," I tell him, knowing fully, now, that I would. 

It is without a doubt in my mind anymore. If I was given a choice again, to choose to love him or not, I would choose to, even with the heartache that comes with, the dangers that I long to keep away from him.

"But I am unhappy," I murmur quietly.

They hear me, as I knew they would.

"So am I," Kunzite tells me quietly.

I know that they feel the same as I do, the same unhappiness. I love Mamoru and I feel exhilarated to know that I have a chance to be near him again. But it is not the same! It is not _enough! I want to be able to hold him when he cries, I want to be able to touch his hand when he needs strength, I want to be able to fight alongside him when he battles with the Senshi against the evils that attack._

I want so much that it threatens to overwhelm me. How can I possibly exist, feeling as much as I do? I do not even have a body to contain these emotions, my soul, from flying apart at the slightest intense feeling.

My chest constricts with sudden pain. I know that Mamoru has been injured; I can _feel it as if his pain were my own. I know the others do as well. I want to love him in a way that I can't, with my body as a mineral sitting on a desk next to a lamp and a picture of Mamoru and Usagi. _

I stare at it, trying to put away the terrible visions of what might be happening to my Prince. I love him and I cannot act on that love. Oh, they look so happy together. Were that I in that picture with Mamoru. Were that I had my arm around his shoulder, letting my body fill with the heat of his. Were it that the Shitennou had real bodies again, so that we might fill a picture frame with happiness that is all our own.

The Princess and he share a bond of love, I know that, but we share one as well. And ours is one that, like hers, will never die. It will always be reborn, again and again.

No longer does pain fill my soul. I know that he is well now, and no longer hurt. But I still do. I am not content. I am restless with need; the need to love him, to be with him when he wants us, wants me.

I cannot remember praying for a long time, but now I do. The gods have never been kind to me, but right now, they are the only ones that can help. I pray to them to make me content again, to make me _real_! I want to have a body, I want to be able to touch things, help him.

I want…

I want someone….

I want someone to…

……….I want someone to bring back my happiness.

End.

Some might read this and say I'm trying to imply something more to the relationship of Shitennou and Mamoru than I really am. I am not trying to imply that they have a love/sexual relationship. I do use the word love a lot, but it is not the kind of the love that Usagi and he share. There is more than one kind of love out there. It is a special love, one that he feels for the Shitennou and them for him. I am also not trying to explain what kind of love that is, as that is what Kunzite, Zoisite, and Nephrite were trying to explain to Jadeite.

This started out as a wonder if the Shitennou, had they been reborn with no memories, would still want Mamoru's friendship and halfway through this I realized that they would. But the title also put into words another thing that was making me wonder: could the Shitennou be happy in those stones, even though they were near Mamoru? Would that be enough for them?

This is based on the manga characters of the Shitennou. Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi and I don't own it. I didn't make this fanfiction for profit, etc. Email me at Guardian4@atlantic.net if you want to contact me.


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